It's so hard to say goodbye...

Warning.. there will be TV spoilers ahead..

It is Season and Series Finale time. I do not like this time of year. The TV gods are taking away my friends and replacing them with the odd new kids or old versions of my friends for the next 5 months or so.

It is going to be 5 months before I find out if Manny on Medium comes back and if Allison gets her apology she so deserves.

It will be again that long before I find out if someone finds Sarah from CSI before she drowns to death in the mud.

What about Grey's does what's his face REALLY leave what's her name for good? Does George tell his wife that he didn't pass the internship and has to start over in life? Sorry I just met my Doctor friends this season and I am so busy with my others that I very rarely find time to visit with them.

Melinda from Ghost Whisperer, does she figure out that Gaberial is her brother? What else does she remember from dying?

Lost .. not ready for that one yet it happens next Wednesday.

Without a Trace I have already forgotten how that ended but I was not happy there either, Cold Case does Lily make it?

Do you see my problem?? I have multiple friends facing life and death situations, I have some friends that need support, I have some friends that just need some one to says that everything is going to be alright.

But the TV gods have cut me off from them for 5 months!!! It isn't even like I can email my friends to catch up or touch base for the next few months. I have to replay in my head the last times I saw them again and again (read watch reruns) until they come back and tell me what is going on in their lives! AGONIZING!!!

Even worse than this is that someone decided to take Loralei and Rory Gilmore away from me .. forever and these two just became my friends 2 months ago!! I just stumbled upon Star's Hollow not to long ago and wanted to stay forever and it was like there was some kind of weird disaster that wiped out the whole town as if it never existed! This happens to me all the time, as soon as I start watching something new.. the gods wipe out the entire town.

Yes I am a very sad sorry creature that plans her week nights around the TV Guide.

Things that make you go hmm....

I have been out of town again and I know some of you will not believe that I did not take Jenny Mac with me but she stayed home carefully tucked under the love seat awaiting my return. The most shocking thing was I survived 48 hours without her. I was still breathing when I got home. Maybe now wouldn't be the best time to say that when I got home I kissed the Binky Boo, checked my email THEN kiss the Waterman. HHmmmmm I may have my priorities a little twisted.

I went to Maryland this week for work, that part was stressful but a good kind of stressful. Lots of work done, new ideas discussed, proposals made. All good things. I love work when it is going fast paced and good things are happening, truthfully I love my work all the time. I love what I do. I love 99.9% of the people I work with. Hmmmmmm I am not sure that ALL people can say that.. I am a lucky person when it comes to work.

I spent the night with my sister.



Personally I think she is one of the most beautiful creatures God put on the planet. Inside and Out.

When we finally ended up in the same place at the same time Tuesday night we spend two hours outside on the deck.. GASP.. talking! I think her husband referred to us as hens or chickens or some kind of farm animal at one point. After the mandatory chit chat about who looks terrible, who looks so good you have to poke your eye balls out with chop sticks so you don't think bad thoughts, who is getting married, who had a baby, who is cheating on who, the conversation turned to more serious matters. It was a strange conversation and to be honest I do not remember HOW it got brought up. My sister said she wished I were at her wedding, I said I wished she had been at mine.

Let's wind back a few years here, technically lets wind back A LOT of years. I believe the year I am looking for is 1984. that is the earliest I can remember at the moment. Simply maybe because I haven't even finished my first cup of coffee. Starting in 1984 she and I attended each others life events. I was there when her biologicals divorced, she was there when I ran away, I was there when her heart was broken, she was there when mine was, I was there when she needed Lucky Charms, She was there when I was failing school, we were together for proms, we were together for dates, we were together every day in some way. There were the major mile stones of getting driver licenses, We are FRESHMEN, We are SOPHOMORES, We are JUNIORS, We are SENIORS!! Every year a mile stone, Every year a memory that I can link back to her. June 1989 that ends. The last major life event we have shared together was Graduation.

Over the last 18 years many many things have happened in both of our lives. We both have graduated college. We are both now married. I have had three children. She lost a parent. We have both purchased our own homes. We have both been promoted at work. None of these events were shared. Once we graduated we separated into two very different worlds. I don't think either of us did this on purpose, she ran off to college and I ran off and got pregnant. Over time this did not change. We always seemed to be separated by something. It is so odd because I love her way more than even my biological brother (Happy Birthday to him by the way) and there is no one else on Earth that I would even want to share those things with but her. I think maybe I just don't share things well. Milestones in my life now are mine alone and I don't want to share them. I don't know really I really don't. Hmmmm.

Either way I hope she knows how very much she means to me!!! LHK!!!

So days are just..

Better than others. I am over my pity party to some degree. It helps to actually cry sometimes. Who knew. I couldn't hold it all in any longer today so I did just that. I cried and then I pulled up my big girl panties and made myself blueberry muffins that I have been longing for and one heck of an awesome dinner complete with strawberry shortcake! Who can cry when they are eating strawberry shortcake??? I know I can't. That is just one thing that makes me smile.

I saw three of the four kids today so that is at least a passing grade. And I am grading on a curve this year so I say all in all the day was a good solid B. I know I didn't win any awards this year with my mothering. To be honest I pretty much stink at it. No matter how much I completely love each of them with all my heart I am just not a good shower. It is hard for me. I don't talk much about my kids on here and it is for good reason. So because of those reasons I am going to move on to other topics.

I thought of someone today and I am not sure why. She just came to my mind a little while ago and it made me miss her. It made me sad because of the things she is missing. My aunt passed away so many years ago. Dude wasn't even born and Sis was just a little tiny thing so it had to be 10 years ago. She has four wonderful granddaughters that she did not get to meet. She would have loved them. She could have told them all about her days as a girl scout leader for me and my cousin. She could have told them about how she made sure a neighborhood kid who's mom wasn't always around had dinner. She could tell them about camping in the woods in the pouring down rain sceaming at the top of her lungs that if she HEARD ONE MORE WORD THE NEXT PERSON WAS SLEEPING WITH HER! (and believe me that was NOT somewhere you wanted to sleep) She could tell her granddaughters how her neice was so messed up that she had to come live with her for awhile and how she wrote her letters when no one else would. She could tell her granddaughters how angry she got at her own daughter one day that she threw all of her clothes out of the window of her bedroom only for my cousin to find out years after her death that our grandmother had done the same to her. She could tell her granddaughters how she won a battle with weight problems by finally setting her mind to eating right and exercise. I don't know why she is on my mind today.. but today of all days I am glad she is.. Happy Mother's Day Aunt Reedie!

I am not sure I even want to post this because it is a deeper veiw into me that I am not sure that even I want to see at the moment. I believe that there are changes coming and I am going to need help. I believe that the out come of the changes will be good but the battle will be long and hard. I believe I will need help that I am not good at asking for. I made a list yesterday that I am not proud of. So today I am going to make another list.

Things in my life that I am glad of...

1. I am glad I married the love of my life. There is no other person on this earth that I would want to call my husband.

2. I am glad that I have friends that don't give up on me.

3. I am glad that I have four wonderful healthy children

4. I am glad I have a job that I love and I work with people I love to work with.

5. I am glad that I have a mother I could say Happy Mother's Day to.

6. I am glad that growing up I had 4 parents. Two Mom's Two Dad's I learned life lessons from each and every one.. even if more from some than others.

7. I am glad to have experienced loss of loved ones in my life. It has made me appreciate those that are here more and given me precious memories of those that have gone.

8. I am glad that I found my way home after many years lost.

9. I am glad that I still have the ability to write even though it does get mushy at times.

10. I am glad that I know how to love even when it hurts.