Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Well this is different..

This post started out weird.. It was a reply to another blog post so it is going to read funny until you get to the point it says Cutting and Pasting Here.

Quite funny your post today is about writing her story.. I have begun thinking (wondering if begun is a word right now) that maybe it is time.. to put it on paper. My story. My life. From the day my mother got the good news followed very quickly by the bad. I have even written the first paragraph in my head..

I will tip you off on the good and bad news she got.
On a hot July day.. the 18th exactly someone looked at her and said. "Congratulations you have a healthy baby (good news part) GIRL (bad news part)!"

I will not be doing it on my blog. It will be in a book/slash journal format. To no one in particular but mainly written by me for my kids to read when I am gone. So they will know ME. Not Mama.. but me. (I am thinking now I will come back here tomorrow and copy this entire post and use it for my blog post) I think I will bare it all for them.. the fact that I loved my husband for 17 years but was too stupid or stuborn to return here and fight or even stand for what I wanted in my life. I think they should know how bad I really was.. but they should also know that I am a real person too with feelings and emotions. I think they should know the way it felt in my heart the day I walked away from two of them or how my life was in shambles at the age of 18..

I still think that I will hide it all in a safety deposit box for them to read only when I am dead. I think I will leave explicit instructions that the words are for them only and that the only time they can share my words is to their children when they die with more instructions that they are only to be handed down to the next generation of children after dying. I think maybe after 10 generations that the paper will have turned to dust kinda like me... and no one will care anymore but what matters is that my kids knew me.

I don't know my mother. I wish sometimes I did. I doubt I ever will.. she doesn't have the guts to bare it all. I guess I don't either not until I am gone.

My post just turned into a complete blog post...

Cutting and pasting here.

I may have a hard time getting my words on paper because I will have to hide and sneak. I know that sounds horrible and rude but I really don’t want anyone to read these words right now. Not until I can face them myself. I will have to find the perfect spot to hide my journal and find the perfect time to write. I think they are musts in order for me to put me on paper. I know there will be moments of sheer laughter.. Like the day that someone very very special to me shoved me OUT OF THE WAY and jumped in the truck right beside MY MAN. That was pay back for something.. I think I had accidentally done that to her (maybe on purpose) a day or two before. I am sure there will be moments of tears as I walk through losing loved ones that left too soon and some that lingered long after they wished they were gone. I am sure there will be panic as I face some of the times in my life that I have shoved into the darkest corners of my mind swearing they will never be dug out.

I know you are thinking that I should share my thoughts here. If I am bold enough to type this then I should be able to finish it.. Think about it this way.. Think of a grain of sand .. One grain. Now think of all the sand on the earth... Think of that one grain of sand in relation to all the sand on the earth.. There. You see.. That is what I just gave you. One grain of sand... Ok maybe 10.