Tragedy

I know I have been missing in action for that I am sorry. I haven't had the heart to blog ... honestly I do not know how to put into words what is going on in my world. So I am going to do the best I can and please forgive me if it is too graphic or offensive.

We lost our little angel "Binky Boo" this weekend. I would post you a picture but I can't do that without breaking into tears yet again. My eyes already look like they have gone 10 rounds with Ali, and I wouldn't think there could anymore tears left in me, but I continue to surprise myself by breaking out at any given time. Like right now.

I went to Busch Gardens with my kids Saturday and came home to Binky barely breathing and whimpering with every breath she tried to make. I had talked to the waterman on the way home and he had told me she jumped off the dock and he had to jump in and save her, but he didn't prepare me for what I was about to see. He was in denial, complete total denial. I can understand, and do not blame him in any way. It was a freak accident and no one's fault. I suppose I was a little more together than he was as he was the one with her and wanted her to be ok. I called my vet, who was closed and directed me to the on call dr. I call him, imagine my surprise to find a message "I am sorry we are at church for the evening, if you have an emergency call so and so." Well so and so was over an hour away, my mother tried other vets in our area but no one was available. I am sorry but if you are going to be on call for emergencies I am sure that your god wouldn't mind if you took and emergency call during a Saturday evening service to save someone's loved one. Apparently Dr AssWipe didn't agree with me.

I threw my youngest son in the car and had him hold Binky as I was driving like a mad woman, not to mention crying like one. We didnt' make it one mile from home before she stopped breathing and her eyes rolled back. I screamed and grabbed her, apparently that was enough to shock her back into breathing. I dropped my son off and picked up my daughter, I needed some one with me that could help me, Drake is a great kid, but with him screaming and crying as much as me just wasn't helping me at the moment. I needed someone with me that would keep talking to Binky.. keep her alert.

I had so much hope when I got to that doctors office. I just knew that Binky was going to be ok. They were going to fix her. They had too.. she was Binky! The doctor came out and asked me how long she had been in the water, I had no clue, they asked me if she had hit her head, I had no clue. I wasn't there. The most I could get out of the husband when I got home was that she was in the water on her side and he lost his boots. I still do not know for sure what happened to my Binky. I am sure I will never really know. Later in the night the waterman said she ran up on the dock and just never stopped and fell over, he dove in after her but she never tried to swim.

The vets gave her medicine to get the water out of her lungs but it just was too little too late. The lack of oxygen to her brain for hours had already caused damage. The first thing we noticed was that she couldn't see me, then her hearing went. It progressively got worse. For hours I sat with her begging her to fight to try for mama. And she did.. she tried so hard. She got her tempurature back up (after the vet had tried for about 2 hours with a heating blanket with very little luck) and her oxygen level went up as long as I talked to her but she didn't have enough strength left to keep fighting. Then peice by peice she just shut down.

I have never in my life gone through anything so traumatic. To hold her, Binky, and watch her slip away is more than my heart can even begin to bear. I have cried, I have screamed, I have wanted to just sit down and quit, I have worked, I have cleaned, I have washed clothes, I have tried to carry on as normal. I can't. I really can't. Every where I look I see her. She brought us so much joy and happiness and now there is this big hole and I just don't think we can fill it. The rift in this family is something I never imagined could happen but it has. I am sitting here alone, crying. I haven't been held and told it was going to be ok. I haven't been comforted. I know I am not the only one who lost her but is that really the point?

I came home in the wee hours Sunday morning and comforted my husband, and told him it would be ok, and it wasn't his fault and that I loved him, and I would be here for him. Is it too much to ask for that in return. He honestly hasn't talked to me all day. I can count on my hands the number of words he has said to me today. Maybe he doesn't know what to say, maybe he doesn't know how to say it, maybe .. I am so sick of maybe. All i know right now is I feel like I have lost every peice of happiness I had, the very thread that held me together. I have lost the thing I have looked all my life for.... unconditional love.

I love you Binky Boo.. I miss you.